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Wayne: Today we’re gonna be talking about people pleasing and how you can stop doing it. Because … Well basically I think this is something that really is such an issue for so many people. Is actually genuinely legit feel this way affecting their everyday life.
Cem: I think so. And I think it starts when you young as well.
Wayne: Yeah, I think so.
Cem: I think it starts in the teens when you go to school, you get people please you. You get kind of …
Wayne: Yeah.
Cem: You got to fit in, you got make such everybody likes you.
Wayne: I think you’re right you know.
Cem: And hope that everybody is your friend. Then you get to university and you got to do the same thing again.
Wayne: What is it about teenage life, that kind of makes people suddenly aware of social hierarchy’s? Cause it kind of happens by osmosis really doesn’t?
Cem: Yeah.
Wayne: Kind of begins to happen. Like I remember being in primary school and then not being a popularity contest it was just kind like everyone got on with everyone. And you know that be the bully’s and stuff right? But, it wasn’t in a kind of like cliquey kind of way, it was just kind of like his a knob.
Cem: Avoid him.
Wayne: His picking on you. Whereas when you get teenage kind of years it suddenly becomes kind of like this is the top run, this is the click that is the popular group, the plastics.
Cem: Yeah.
Wayne: And from like mean girls yes I have watched that film is great. And you have the like the nerds and like the kind of social hierarchy starts to just form.
Cem: I think is obviously tied into your identity I guess you kind of look at everybody around you to figure out where you fall in. At the same time like how many points in your life do you have hundreds of people around you. And so naturally they have to form-
Wayne: All the time.
Cem: I don’t know about that. So naturally that has to kind of like a hierarchy. And I think in those times of life where you kind of figuring out who you are. You look around you to say, “Well, if I’m not like them then who I’m I”? And you start to question yourself but, one of the biggest things I found obviously as we get to our 30s or turn of [inaudible 00:02:18]. I think there’s people I know who really get a shit what other people around them think.
Wayne: Yeah.
Cem: And they still kind of carry this onward they feel like. If they meet someone that person has to instantly like them. Whereas, I’ve kind of felt like the older I get the more I’m like what this is the kind of person I enjoy be around. If someone treats me like this that’s it they gone. And I kind of had this foundations built in then I think a lot of people kind of go through a lot of stress whether is at work or meeting new people.
Cem: Because they kind of fall into this trap of always trying to be nice, trying to fit in. And I think a lot of that time comes down to this idea that number one you probably haven’t figure out who you are.
Wayne: Yeah.
Cem: Probably lack quite a lot of self esteem. And I think is just one of these things where I don’t know. I think is a maturity thing to kind of fall away from people pleasing really.
Wayne: Yeah, I think so and I’m kind of the same kind of being since I turned about 28 I think is kind of where the penny started to drop for me. And so many kind of like actually why do you care so much about if that … I mean … It’s still there but, like the person you don’t know why do you care so much about what they think of you.
Wayne: You know it’s human nature right? But, I think also you have to draw a line somewhere. Like even gets to the point where people will avoid opportunity because it might upset somebody else. And I just think that’s nuts, like you’ve got an opportunity a professional opportunity that’s coming your way. But, you don’t want to upset people so you kind of stick with where you’re at. And like you’re sticking a dead end job because you really like the people that you’re working with and you don’t want to upset the management.
Wayne: Because you actually really good friends with them because you have developed this relationship over the last three years and things. So you kind of like, “Oh, but, I really like it here”. And I’ve heard so many people our age that are kind of have been stuck in that dead job I have conversations with. They like “Is, like family here”. And it’s like yeah! And!
Cem: My biggest thing as well is that I feel like a lot of people waste a life enumerating about these kinds of people pleasing life.
Wayne: Yeah.
Cem: Is like you go meet someone and someone thinks of or you’ve thought that person, thought you in a certain way. And now you are talking about someone else you’re like, “Do, you think the other person thought I was a bit boring? Do you think the other person thought I didn’t talk enough”? Do you think the other person you kind of trying to second guess yourself. But, actually a lot of the time you kind of just wasting time and effort thinking about this people that probably mean nothing to you.
Wayne: Yeah.
Cem: Because you’re trying to think or trying to expect that everybody should get along with you or that everybody has a judgment of you. And actually is just a horrible way to live because you are constantly living in this kind of people pleasing mentality. And actually you kind of missing out and actually experiencing life first hand.
Cem: Millennial are getting older now, I feel like we still have this sort of nature where we feel like we should be everything to everyone. And we should get along and we should be going on the right holidays. We should be looking the right way and we should be at the right kind of phases in our life.
Cem: And it’s more for show than anything else.
Wayne: Yeah, and this whole … I mean Gary, really talks about it a lot. Keeping up with the Joneses is such a thing right now I think particularly for millennial. Particularly millennials at this stage of life that where we at the late 20s early 30s. Which is really kind of the time where everybody kind of is like, “Right, you should have your life kind of sorted by now”?
Wayne: And it’s like well I don’t and neither do you. And as you say is very pretty much for show a lot of this things now. And kind of like going on this nice holidays and then posting it all over Instagram. And like … The things where like people … Like there’s a guy that I know from Uni who just does not post on Facebook or anything, ever. And then suddenly he had a baby and then he started posting on Facebook only pictures of his baby.
Wayne: And then stopped posting.
Cem: I’ve done it.
Wayne: Yeah, it’s kind of like why have you felt the need to do that? Like you don’t give a fuck about Facebook any other time. Why do you give a fuck about it now? It comes down to in way people pleasing.
Cem: Faced with another crowd thumbs up you’ve done it.
Wayne: Yeah, well done men yeah you’ve achieved at life well done. And it’s kind of like it’s quite sad that we as a generation I don’t mean obviously this is not new to millennials idea. But, that we are so into the people pleasing thing right now. And we do it for the kudos and we also people please to avoid anxious situation. And on both extremes I think it’s so detrimental.
Wayne: Again I’ve since have turned about 28 so about a yearish. I’ve just been kind like you know what I don’t give a fuck anymore. Like I really couldn’t care less anymore what anybody thinks. And it’s so liberating and so freeing just be kind of like … In a way and this is not in a kind of vindictive way or machiavellian kind of way. But, just in a kind of like look I gotta look for number one.
Wayne: Stop worrying about making sure everybody else is okay. Is kind od like they aero plane oxygen mask and allergy. They always say, “Put your oxygen mask on first before you help anybody else”. And is that whole thing you gotta sort your shit out before you start worrying about what other people think of you. And what you can do for other people.
Cem: Yeah, there’s some dangers as well to be in a push over like not like serious danger. But, I think a lot of the time people will take advantage of you-
Wayne: Definitely.
Cem: They’ll see that you’ve got this innocence, or you’ve got this need to please. So they’ll push you and get the things they want out of you. I think a lot of times people can take advantage of the fact that you’re not so confident. And that they can have this over powering way over you. And so I do think like you said, like there you’ve got to that point.
Cem: And I think is the same we me as yo get older as well you get more successes, you get like content with yourself. You build up this confidence, I think confidence allows you not to take advantage. You can take that moment to step back and go, “You, know what I just don’t need to deal with this person or I don’t need to share that thing online to kind get a thumbs everybody likes me”.
Cem: And I think is just one of these things you gotta think ask yourself is like are your actions being taking for the need of people pleasing or other people kind of giving you credit for certain things. Because I think as you get older the quicker you can kind of get rid that. I think you can live a lot more freer.
Wayne: Yeah.
Cem: You don’t feel like your every action is on watching, every action has to be kind of credited by someone else.
Wayne: ‘Cause often as well when you are people pleasing you often giving a long term for in place of short term. I think with so many things like those opportunities that you pass up because you don’t want to upset people. Long term opportunities just so that the initial return-
Cem: People do things just to please but, they’ve waste that time when people say, “Yeah, I’m gonna get out that event pop ups on Facebook I’m gonna say yes to it. Cause I don’t wanna look bad by saying no”. But, then when it comes around you like I wish you didn’t say yes to that.
Cem: And you feel like well have got to go none because to tell that people is like well-
Wayne: You never wanted to go in the first place.
Cem: Yes, and it’s not a harm to say, “You, know what fuck it I don’t feel it today I’m not gonna go and I don’t give a shit what people say when I don’t turn up”.
Wayne: Yeah, yeah people pleasing man is just …
Cem: I gotta go.
Wayne: No, I’m not gonna …
Cem: Don’t go into that.
Wayne: No, not going there, not going there I nearly-
Cem: I know.
Wayne: It was just there.
Cem: I know you like musical theater was just about to …
Wayne: I don’t even like musical theater and I have never even watched that film.
Cem: But, you felt the urge?
Wayne: Is almost like when somebody says question and you automatically go into destiny child.
Cem: Yeah.
Wayne: It’s the same thing we let it go. It’s just become such part of the zeitgheist. One thing I do want to add actually I’m trying to think of the words to put it nicely but, I can’t think of the words. That’s a better way of saying this.
Cem: Just say it.
Wayne: I’m just gonna go and say it as it’s coming to my head. Nobody give a fuck about you half as much as you give a fuck about you. And that applies to when you think you are in a room and you think everybody watching you. You’ve done something and you like shit everybody is just seeing that and nobody gives a fuck, nobody even looked your way.
Cem: It feels like a cartoon in like look everybody in the room and actually and what everybody else is thinking is what? What does everybody else think of me?
Wayne: Yeah.
Cem: Then you are thinking of what you are like, they’re probably thinking about whet they come around the other person.
Wayne: Exactly, exactly. So just kind wanna throw that in there in the end cause I think it’s … I found myself reminding myself that so many times I’ve been like shit, shit, shit, shit and then looked around nobody cares.
Cem: When, the world does not revolve around you.
Wayne: Which, you know everybody needs to freaking learn it does. I am the center of my universe. Okay, that is it for this episode thank you very much for tuning in.
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